@Osgoode Kong

Osgoode Kong

Tweets by @osgoodekong

madness takes its toll: please have exact change ready

outside your window

479 Tweets 54 Followers 86 Followings 314 Likes

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@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

you should probably sit down before reading this, but the blog where i rate every single episode of The Facts of Life is almost ready

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

guests: is this beef bolognese? me: mmm, nope. guests: pork? me: nope. guests: ...lamb?! me: keep guessing. #NationalPastaDay

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

#MySiblingsTaughtMe there's only enough room in this womb for ONE of us

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

a tisket, a tasket, NOT LONG, but don't blow a gasket! https://t.co/mvh4GOHFwN

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i didn't, and yes https://t.co/7r7UCbhvHb

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

just a relaxing weekend in the country... https://t.co/u2LQYIoxFo

just a relaxing weekend in the country.....

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

when a chimp does something like this it's "adorable", when i pull the same thing i'm chased by torch-wielding mobs… https://t.co/SQSZQGGq6L

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i feel the same way about Halloween that secret alcoholics must feel about St Patrick's Day https://t.co/77hpToXaJ5

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

don't worry, i won't be crawling in your bedroom window today... too predictable #FridayThe13th

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

#MySiblingsTaughtMe the importance of removing all evidence

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

flirting #WeirdReasonsToThrowUp

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

we're out of zipties #FourWordEmergency

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i get recognized too often too! i thought that would happen less often now that America's Most Wanted ended... https://t.co/5u2rqX5m7j

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

"Perhaps now, Styx is certain"

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

that top left one is chilling https://t.co/ezwRUcOglF

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

kinda hard to imagine someone as devilishly handsome as Harvey Weinstein needed to coerce anyone into intimate scenarios

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

@Randazzoj I didn't find it very scary.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

people often complain about finding undigested corn in their shit... but you rarely hear people mention the teeth. weird.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

2 years on twitter and the authorities still haven't caught up with me! https://t.co/FAiJHdkw0p

2 years on twitter and the authorities s...

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

guts don't actually make very good garters

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

the title of my upcoming autobiography: #HeartlessActsOfJoy

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

kind of annoyed by this Beauty and the Beast movie... when i lock women up in MY house, nobody seems to think it's very romantic. except me.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

new year's resolution is the same as every year: beat my bodycount from the year before! ...and stop smoking.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i cannot stress enough the importance of quicklime.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i guess i should get started on all those shallow graves before the ground freezes...

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

well this makes my chances at winning the presidency someday seem a lot more viable

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

the biggest downside of multiple personalities is you still only get one vote on election day #ELECTIONDAY

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

spent most of yesterday munching on drywall... now my ass is acting like a leaky tap. sometimes we're our own worst enemies.

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

i like to think of myself as the Kim Kardashian of pain and suffering... or, wait. does she already hold that title?

@osgoodekong Osgoode Kong @osgoodekong

FYI: seems like people tied up in your basement don't really want to hear about #WorldSmileDay

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