madness takes its toll: please have exact change ready
outside your window
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you should probably sit down before reading this, but the blog where i rate every single episode of The Facts of Life is almost ready
a tisket, a tasket, NOT LONG, but don't blow a gasket! https://t.co/mvh4GOHFwN
i didn't, and yes https://t.co/7r7UCbhvHb
just a relaxing weekend in the country... https://t.co/u2LQYIoxFo
when a chimp does something like this it's "adorable", when i pull the same thing i'm chased by torch-wielding mobs… https://t.co/SQSZQGGq6L
i feel the same way about Halloween that secret alcoholics must feel about St Patrick's Day https://t.co/77hpToXaJ5
i get recognized too often too! i thought that would happen less often now that America's Most Wanted ended... https://t.co/5u2rqX5m7j
"Perhaps now, Styx is certain"
that top left one is chilling https://t.co/ezwRUcOglF
kinda hard to imagine someone as devilishly handsome as Harvey Weinstein needed to coerce anyone into intimate scenarios
people often complain about finding undigested corn in their shit... but you rarely hear people mention the teeth. weird.
2 years on twitter and the authorities still haven't caught up with me! https://t.co/FAiJHdkw0p
guts don't actually make very good garters
kind of annoyed by this Beauty and the Beast movie... when i lock women up in MY house, nobody seems to think it's very romantic. except me.
new year's resolution is the same as every year: beat my bodycount from the year before! ...and stop smoking.
i cannot stress enough the importance of quicklime.
i guess i should get started on all those shallow graves before the ground freezes...
well this makes my chances at winning the presidency someday seem a lot more viable
spent most of yesterday munching on drywall... now my ass is acting like a leaky tap. sometimes we're our own worst enemies.
i like to think of myself as the Kim Kardashian of pain and suffering... or, wait. does she already hold that title?